The boomer’s therapist

Marriage as a second language

by Fran Marmor, LCSW

Dear Fran,
Is it common for spouses to feel like they are constantly in competition with each other? I’ve been married for over 25 years and I am so worn down by the ridiculous arguing my husband and I do. We are both strong, independent people who like to be right, but at least I can admit when I’m not. I feel like my husband always has to remind me that his way is right, and mine isn’t. He makes sure I’m aware that my ideas are not as good as his, or that they haven’t worked in the past. I am tired of feeling like we can’t have a full conversation without his playing one up with me. Is he that insecure or am I missing something? – “Amanda”

Dear Amanda,
Unfortunately it is very common for a couple’s communication to resemble a debate rather than a marriage. Often couples get in the habit of focusing on who’s right rather than what’s right. Usually the issue they’re trying to resolve is relatively simple, but the focus quickly becomes whose perspective is better rather than what solution works best. Couples really need to remember that they are on the same team. When fights erupt during sport events they are virtually never among teammates. Where would a pitcher be if he beat up the catcher? Gently remind your husband that you are on the same team and that it doesn’t matter who is right but what would be the best solution for both of you.

If your husband has a very competitive nature and really needs to be acknowledged for his finer points or strongest arguments, acknowledge him. It only makes you a better, more loving person, to validate some of what he said and then move on to the issue at hand. Good luck!

Dear Fran,
After 30 years of marriage is it crazy to expect your husband to say something nice to you, or actually make you feel special any more? I never thought I’d understand couples who divorce after years and years of marriage, but I feel so empty sometimes. The spark isn’t just gone, it is hard to even remember. I still love my husband, and can really enjoy spending time with him. I’d even go so far as to sayI do know down deep he loves me. But to get him to pay me a compliment, or to spontaneously tell me he feels happily married would be like pulling teeth, and I am not a dentist! He is definitely a good guy and a good provider, but sometimes I want more than a reminder that he changed the oil in my car. Is there anything I can do, or do I just have to continue to live without any romance? – “Sonia”

Dear Sonia,
I have a feeling it is going to be hard to convince you that changing the oil in your car is a kind of romance, but I am going to try. I completely agree that you deserve compliments and kind words, but there are different ways that people communicate their love for each other. Your husband’s way of communicating love to you may be by taking care of your needs. He may be much more comfortable doing kind things, than saying kind things. It would be ideal if you can try to accept his way of telling you he loves you, while he tries to work on accepting that you need to be told you’re loved your way sometimes. You can try telling him that you know he loves you and you really appreciate all that he does for you, but that every now and then if he could just tell you he cares, rather than show you he cares, you’d be so much happier. Often men will say their wives should know they are loved and they shouldn’t have to tell them. If your husband says that, tell him you absolutely know he loves you and that he doesn’t have to tell you, but you would sure appreciate it if he would. I think your husband might be more comfortable with that because he will see telling you as a kind act, and we already know he is comfortable with those!

Fran Marmor, LCSW (above), has been a psychotherapist for over 20 years. She currently has a private practice in Fort Collins, Colorado, where she sees clients ranging in age from 7 to 87. Fran loves helping clients successfully navigate through difficult issues and believes that, with optimism, the right perspective and a sense of humor, most problems can be resolved.