May-December love

What’s age got to do with it?

By Helena Bachmann Milligan

Demi Moore and I belong to the same club - the old wives’ club.

We, along with scores of other famous and infamous baby boomers, are involved in what is commonly referred to as “May-December” romances - relationships between age-discrepant partners.

I don’t know about Demi (or Madonna, Susan Sarandon, Mary Tyler Moore and other Mrs. Robinson's of this world) but, as far as I am concerned, having a younger husband is no big deal. To paraphrase Tina Turner – whose boyfriend is 16 years her junior - “what’s age got to do with it?”

Don’t Mind The Gap

My husband, Bob, is - GASP - 15 years younger than I am. When we first got together, I wasn’t going to shout about the age difference from the rooftops. It is, after all, a private matter. However, I did write a novel loosely based on our relationship and, once the media, reviewers and search engines picked up on it, my life was - no pun intended - an open book. Then a very interesting thing happened: at nearly every talk I give, at least one (and sometimes several) women tell me they too are happily involved with much younger men, or they know someone who is.

Surprised? Don’t be. According to the AARP and U.S. Census Bureau, nearly a third of single women in America are dating their juniors, and 12 percent of all marriages are between an older woman and a younger man.

Curiously, no statistics are available about boomer men dating or married to younger women, even though, historically, men have had a virtual monopoly on age-gap relationships. Just think Rod Stewart, Harrison Ford, Clint Eastwood and my friend Bill Boder, who, at 54, has been happily married to 40-year-old Marlee for a decade.

“Age has never been an issue for us,” says Bill, who has a seven-year-old daughter with Marlee. “We are very compatible. If people don’t like it, we don’t care.”

When people tell Marlee she may become Bill’s caretaker in later years, she says, “Isn’t this what marriage is about? And, anyway, who can say I won’t need care long before Bill does?”

The Scorn Factor

Bill and Marlee are not as unconventional as they may think. It has always been more acceptable in our society for older men to marry younger women. The traditional model of an older man as the breadwinner and the woman as the child-bearer is still deeply ingrained in many cultures. I know, because my first husband was 10 years older than I, and that was considered “normal.”

But while a man married to a younger woman will likely get a pat on the back, an older woman younger man coupling is often viewed as suspect. “Why is he with her?” “Is he just a toy boy?” “Is she very wealthy?” “Can she have children?”

Not that it’s anybody’s business, but Bob and I have children from previous marriages, so child-bearing is a non-issue. We are both financially independent and have no income disparity to squabble over or any expectation that one of us should support the other. If this is not a union made in heaven, I don’t know what is.

“IT WILL NEVER LAST”

I beg to differ. While I don’t have a crystal ball and can’t predict the future, I do know that, in our four years of marriage, the age difference has not been a problem for us. Okay, so I remember the first landing on the Moon and Bob doesn’t (though he swears he watched it from his crib). And all the important milestones of my college years, such as the Watergate scandal and Nixon’s resignation, were not exactly the talk of Bob’s nursery school.

True, mismatched experiences of two people in different stages of the life cycle can be a recipe for disaster. But for us they are, literally, the butt of a joke. Bob sometimes asks me whether I was around when the wheel was invented (I wasn’t). But I do remember typewriters and rotary-dial phones, which, for him, are relics of the past. Because of this disparity, most age-gap relationships are based less on common history and more on exploring new territory.

Can I be sure this marriage will last? No. Given the high overall divorce rate, no marriage - including the age-appropriate ones - comes with a lifetime warranty. But I am pretty sure that a relationship such as ours, based on love, communication, a shared vision and a lot of laughter, will not disintegrate because of the age gap alone.

As a matter of fact, I believe - and Bill Barton seconds me on this - that age discrepant couples are often more committed to their relationships than partners who are closer in age because they are acutely aware of the challenges, and are willing to walk the extra mile.

A friend once asked me: “Aren’t you afraid he’ll leave you for a younger woman?” I assured her I wasn’t, but here is a thought: why isn’t anyone asking whether I might ever leave him for an older man?

Ageless Love

I admit, Bob and I are totally different: I am from Venus and he is from Mars. Other than this fundamental difference, we are just two “regular” people in love. I wasn’t attracted to Bob because he was younger. I was attracted to him because he was funny, engaging and totally on the same wavelength.

As for Bob, he swears he didn’t know how old I was when we met and was not shocked when he found out. “In any case, I discovered that older women are wiser, more sophisticated, confident and secure,” he says. “I find that very appealing.”

Yes, the power of love is not about numbers, and May-December love is for all seasons.

Helena Bachmann Milligan is a journalist and the author of an award winning novel, Teeth in a Pickle Jar, a humorous tale of an age-gap relationship inspired by her own story.