Boomers in the sandwich

Smack-dab between two generations, boomers are feeling the squeeze. Here’s how to survive the mid-life tug-of-war.

by Lawrence Herzog

Stacked between aging parents, the demands of career and children, and worries about how to pay for it all, boomers really are the “sandwich generation.” The term, coined in 1981, currently applies to more than 10 million American boomers, according to a 2005 report by the Washington, D.C.-based Pew Research Center.

Boomers are raising kids and sometimes supporting an adult child while simultaneously helping an aging parent or two — with time, care and even financial support. A study by the Pew Center found that 71 percent of today’s boomers have at least one living parent. Slightly more than one in eight are raising a child while providing some form of financial assistance to a parent.

The AARP estimates about 44 percent of Americans between the ages of 45 and 55 have aging parents or in-laws as well as children under 21. Other societal forces are also pushing the trends: couples are waiting later to have children, and having fewer children overall. As a society, we are living longer and, the longer we live, the more likely we will require care and assistance.

The “juggling act of all juggling acts”

In the words of Elinor Ginzler, AARP Director Livable Communities and co-author of the book Caring For Your Parents: The Complete AARP Guide, boomers are performing “the juggling act of all juggling acts.” Driven, passionate and stressed by it all takes a toll. “It puts caregivers right into the middle of the three-ring circus,” she says.

“Almost all caregivers put taking care of themselves at the bottom of the list of things to do, and that is a recipe for trouble.” The U.S. Department of Health has found that caregivers are twice as likely to be depressed and have an increased risk for infectious and chronic diseases.

An AARP study, released in November, found that nearly 70 percent of boomer women are talking with their parents about how they will live independently as they get older, but only 40 percent of families are actually planning for it. AARP calls them ‘family conversations,’ and Ginzler says it’s prudent to have them early and often. “Especially when everything is just fine.”

Long-established family dynamics, guilt and anxieties can come back like a boomerang during conversations about aging or ailing parents. “This is hard work,” Ginzler says. “It does require thinking about the future and the possibility that things might not stay as wonderful. But having these conversations can bring peace of mind. It’s a way for families to ensure older parents can stay in charge as they grow older.”

The AARP study found that 68 percent of boomer women think their parents are financially prepared for any assistance they may need. However, past AARP research shows that people often underestimate the costs of long-term care and often think they are covered by Medicare when they are not. In 2006, the average cost of a nursing home was about $75,000 per year for a private room and rates for a home health aide averaged $19 an hour.

“The vacuum of knowledge around this topic is dangerous,” said Ginzler. “It’s dangerous for aging parents who may be forced into a situation they don’t want, and it’s dangerous for their adult children who may not have the resources to care for their parents. The key is to plan early, but, without information, planning is impossible; you don’t want to wait until you are in a crisis to get a lesson on long-term care services.”

“Someone will decide where you spend the rest of your life; make sure it’s you,” she concludes.

Getting ready to help aging parents

Educate yourself on the legal issues. Learn about durable power of attorney, living wills and testamentary trust wills.

Empower. Help parents, as you do children, to be independent as much as possible, as long as possible. Don’t try to move into the lives of aging parents and try to take over. Listen, watch and discern when you need to become more involved. When you make decisions, make them with, not for the parent.

Communicate. Talk about the present situation, what could happen in the future, and what you can and will do for them. Talk with your parents, and your siblings, about your role and everybody’s expectations. Remember that older generations often consider financial matters private, so tread respectfully but firmly.

Get organized. Invest in three-ring notebooks and file folders. Gather and catalog the information in them. Keep them in an accessible place.

Identify the crucial players. Know who you might need to call before you need to call them. Make sure you’ve got up-to-date contact information for lawyers, doctors, banks and other financial institutions.

Stretch out the income. Look at the numbers, research some options, including reverse mortgages, and help your parents to budget. Investigate ways to reduce health-care costs, such as long-term-care insurance, and avoid putting your own family’s personal finances at risk.

Consider different housing options. By knowing the options, you can be ready for a move, should there be a change in health or mobility.

Get Help. Don’t try to do it all yourself. Seek out professionals and, where feasible, ask family members for assistance. Take time off work when you need to, otherwise you will burn yourself out.

Lawrence Herzog is a Boomer whose parents are in their 70s. Lawrence is thankful that, for now, the only sandwich in his life is the triple-decker he has at lunch now and then.