The boomer’s therapist

Building your self-esteem

by Fran Marmor, LCSW

Dear Fran,
I can’t even believe I am writing about this, but do you have any advice for someone who almost gets sick every time she looks in the mirror? All I see are wrinkles and gray hair. I was never exactly a beauty queen, but I used to feel confident and happy with the way I looked. Now I’m disgusted. Supposedly, we should all be so proud of aging gracefully, but I sure can’t seem able to. Is there any way for me to stop being so miserable? How do other people really cope with looking older? Is there no hope for me except more makeup and hair dye? - Kathy

Dear Kathy
Many women worry about the challenge of aging and still feeling attractive. Our society really idolizes youthful appearances and does not celebrate the beauty of aging. I’m struck by how many baby boomer celebrities in their sixties try to show “how beautiful 60 can still be” but have obviously availed themselves of cosmetic surgery and hair dye! There should be a definite shift in what beauty is when we move beyond the mating game and into a deeper, more sustainable attractiveness. For example, poise and confidence are attributes of attractiveness which are clearly more evident in mature people. How about if we try to accept the beauty of wisdom and natural maturing?

Even beyond the challenge of accepting the beauty in aging is the challenge of seeing beauty beyond the mirror. This issue transcends age. I’ve had teenaged clients who can’t stand their acne, young adults who have problems with their weight and a variety of other clients who complain about their big noses, little ears, etc. If it is true that misery loves company, you’ve got lots and lots of company. And they are from all age groups.

All too often, we let our happiness depend solely on appearance. Looks, after all, are superficial and will inevitably change for every person as he or she ages. How sad if true happiness were reserved only for the young models! Of course we all want to look our best, but happiness should be dependent on more than one factor. How about other traits, such as your sense of humor, spontaneity, nurturing ways, honesty, etc?

Since you mentioned your age, it is probably important to remind yourself that people can have vibrant, full lives well into their nineties. The glow that comes from being active, happy and loving is, in fact, truly beautiful!

Dear Fran,
I am 55 years old, so I’m afraid it’s a bit too late to improve my self-esteem. I have never really liked myself much and it seems that’ll never change. Please don’t ask me to read self-help books or make lists of all my good qualities because I have tried all of that and none of it works. I don’t enjoy much of anything and I don’t really have any friends. My husband says it’s because I’m always negative, but how can you be positive if you just can’t think of much that is positive? - Brenda

Dear Brenda,
First of all, it is never too late to make changes. You are young, compared to many of the clients I’ve seen make dramatic changes, so please hang in there and have hope.

I am a little concerned that some of your negativity and self-criticism may stem from depression. If you have a biologically based depression, it would be next to impossible to feel happy or optimistic, regardless of your life situation or concept of self. So, please, do talk with your doctor to make sure you don’t have a physical cause to your sad mood.

Instead of fighting your low self-esteem, you can address it head on. You can get in the “driver’s seat” and be in charge, instead of feeling victim to a lifelong condition. Instead of making a list of positive attributes, you can make a list of all the things that bother you about yourself and work on changing the ones you can. Please give yourself credit for working on making those changes.

If you make sure your self-esteem isn’t due to depression, if you work on changing the things that bother you and begin to choose to be around people you value, I really believe your self-esteem will be higher than ever. You, like all of us, sure deserve it!

Fran Marmor, LCSW (above), has been a psychotherapist for over 20 years. She currently has a private practice in Fort Collins, Colorado, where she sees clients ranging in age from 7 to 87. Fran loves helping clients successfully navigate through difficult issues and believes that, with optimism, the right perspective and a sense of humor, most problems can be resolved.