The Boomer’s therapist

Wedged in the sandwich generation

By Fran Marmor, LCSW

Dear Fran,
I feel like I am going crazy and don’t know what to do. My 75-year-old mother lives a few miles away from me and, ever since my dad died, she won’t leave me alone! She calls me constantly and is always very critical. She comments about my husband, the way I parent my kids, my weight, etc. I’m 47 years old and I feel like a child again. I don’t know how many years she has left, but I have to admit, caller ID is my new best friend. I screen her out and then feel guilty. Help! - Mary Beth

Dear Mary Beth,
Caller ID can be a friend to all! You don’t have to answer the phone every time it rings. It is okay to set boundaries. It’s amazing how difficult it can be for adults of any age to give up the role and feelings they had as children when they are around their family of origin. If you think it might help, I’d advise you to let your mother know that her negative comments make it unpleasant for you and that you wish she’d offer her opinions in a less hurtful way. It is respectful to give this feedback, regardless of your mother’s age.

Chances are, though, that her negativity may continue to some degree, so the next best thing is to try not to take it to heart. Her intent may be to be helpful, or to vent her own unhappiness or frustration. Although the impact on you is hurtful, she may not intend that at all. You may have to nod and then change the subject. It also sounds as if your mother is lonely, so you might tell her that you know she may be disappointed that you can’t spend more time with her. Gently suggest she try to meet interesting people by taking classes or joining a local senior center. Good luck! - Fran

Dear Fran,
This is odd — I never thought I’d write to one of these columns, but I’m so overwhelmed, maybe you can help. I try to be a good husband, father, provider and son. My elderly mother has recently moved to an assisted living facility near us and is extremely needy and depressed. She depended on my father for years, so I presume it is no wonder that she’s becoming more dependent on me now. She expects me to visit her every day and always has “little things for me to do” when I get there. I don’t mind helping her; in fact, I feel somewhat obligated to, but then my wife complains that my mother sees me more than she or my kids do. I try to visit my mother during work, but I’ve already been spoken to by my boss about missing time from work. Any suggestions? - Keith

Dear Keith,
I am so glad you wrote. I know men can have challenging situations and I am so impressed when they are brave enough to ask for suggestions. Men who are sensitive, as you seem to be, are often prone to feeling overwhelmed because they find themselves trying to make everyone happy and tend to forget about themselves. I bet you put yourself on the bottom of the list and then rarely, if ever, get to address your needs.

You said your mother is in an assisted living facility. You don’t have to be the only one doing all the assisting! Encourage and help your mother to reach out to those who are there to help her too. As far as your wife’s comments are concerned, it sounds as if she is envious and resentful of the time you are giving your mother, without realizing how difficult this is for you. Let her know how burdensome it has felt and that you didn’t really feel you had a choice. Hopefully, she can then understand and be more supportive. Consider it a compliment, though, and not just a demand, that your wife wants to spend more time with you. Show her that you appreciate it and work with her to carve out special adult time, as well as family time. It is all about balance. You are entitled to have time for your own hobbies or needs as well. - Fran

Fran Marmor, LCSW, has been a psychotherapist for over 20 years. She currently has a private practice in Fort Collins, Colorado, where she sees clients ranging in age from 7 to 87. Fran loves helping clients successfully navigate through difficult issues and believes that with optimism, the right perspective and a sense of humor, most problems can be resolved.